At 5 years old, I knew there was something wrong with me..10 years old, I started cross-dressing...15 years old started buying my own make up and clothes...I repeated this pattern of buying girl's clothes then throwing them out every year till I was 19..Then, I fell madly in love with a girl..I figured "it" would go away..Boy was I wrong..About 8 months before wedding, I told my future wife, that there was something was wrong with me, but I didn't really understand what was wrong with me!..We both hoped "it" would go away..Both of us were wrong...
At the age of 25, I became a daddy, and I hit rock bottom...I became a miserable suicidal ignorant prick..I knew deep down that I needed help but didn't know where to turn??.."How could I be a good father when I didn't feel like a man."..I started to play "chicken" with trains on my motorbike or on snowmachines..I truly didn't care if I lived or died...
The turning point...I went to another city (much larger than were I live) for mental assessment by a specialist..I was diagnosed with GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER..I bummed out even more..I became more miserable and depressed..I finally packed up and separated from the wife..
I lived full time as "chick in a much bigger city till I finally figured out and accepted what I really was..I started to take the hormones...I,finally became happy again with myself..I felt complete..I felt normal..BUT I was missing my family too much...So, I made a choice and cut my hair off and moved back to where my family was..I was trying to live happily ever after NOT doing anything about it...I started weaning myself of hormones..My hair started falling out...Again, I panicked, got f**ked up and lowered the dose of my hormones but never stopped completely..My body became female, but I lived as male, it didn't work and my wife left me..Her leaving my, broke my heart in a million pieces..I have accepted why she left me.. But I will never get over it..Life feels like a slap in the face to me..All I wanted was a normal happy life..I thought I had it..Lost it.. I am currently fixing a biological mistake hoping it will finally bring me a happiness like I have never felt before..Will it?..I dunno, I guess only time will tell..
I am currently going more and more as a women every day..Once the laser hair removal is complete and my name is legally changed...I will be living as female for everyone to see..No more hiding.. No more shame or embarrassment..I am tired of hiding..I never wanted to be like this and I never did anything wrong..I am still the same good hearted likeable person..Just in a different package...
Only time will tell if I did the right thing...I am definitely becoming more happier with who I am. There is no more anger and no more frustration left in me..I must be doing something right!!!!!
